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Donald Trump has only been in office for a few days, but those scant hours couldn't feel heavier. His supporters, his campaigning, and Trump himself repeatedly promised that Project 2025 was never going to be this administration's agenda, yet here we are, 200 executive orders into the Handmaid's Handbook. 

Among the mind-boggling number of EOs are several that would almost be funny if they didn't come with repercussions like claiming certain minority groups don't exist or turning back the clock on civil rights. But for the next 90 days, all Americans are being temporarily classified as female, so at least we've got that going for us (yaas!). Caitlyn Jenner — perhaps the most well-known trans woman in the world — couldn't care less about her now-forcibly male status, by the way. With her wealth and privilege, she can probably pay almost anyone to respect her right to exist, but we're guessing her wealthy buddies view her as "one of the good ones" anyway.

In addition to setting the blocks for his fascist foundation, one of the Copper Conman's first orders of business was to pardon 1500 January 6ers. And would you believe it, not a single one was a part of Antifa or the BLM? The Qanon Shaman was one of the lucky thousand released, and you can bet your bottom dollar that he's going to use his new freedom to turn over a new leaf. Just kidding! He's doing exactly what you’d expect a brain-dead moron to do post-imprisonment — and hopefully it will land him right back in the slammer.

Joe Biden spent his last few hours in office doing the exact same thing, except his pardons were aimed at his family members. It was a good call, considering Trump's cronies are no longer trying to hide their unscrupulous connections. No matter how many Elon Musk stans crawl out of the woodwork blaming his clear Nazi salute on "autism," we all know what that gesture means — except those who work for the ADL, that is. Oh, and Trump made an unfortunate flub connecting Musk to voter fraud in Pennsylvania, potentially implicating the tech mogul in an operation to flip votes.

There is one bright spot in the doom and gloom that is 2025 in America: George W. Bush and Barack Obama's presidential friendship. The only thing that could make their inauguration moment more precious would be a Bush painting of it. Welcome to another week in the life, folks. It’s beginning to look a lot like Gilead.

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We may know what Obama said to Bush at the inauguration, and it couldn't be more relatable

In case you missed the biggest takeaway from Jimmy Carter's funeral, Barack Obama and George W. Bush are the bipartisan besties we didn't know we needed. Luckily for the Prez Pals, Trump's inauguration gave them another chance to hang out, with one notable moment caught on camera once again showing them sharing a private joke.

Sadly, the rest of the world wasn't privvy to whatever quip Barack made to Bush, but new insights might give us a better idea of what he said. A deaf TikToker put her lip-reading skills to good use when she offered her expert translation of what the bromancing POTUSes were whispering about. The quip that got such a laugh from Bush? Obama may have sarcastically asked, "How can we stop this from happening?"

We didn't need any more reasons to miss Obama, but we got one nonetheless. At an event that was so devastating for millions of Americans, and at a time when the population has become so polarized, it's heartening that two very different men such as Obama and Bush can find common ground and genuine camaraderie thanks to one shared opinion: their mutual unmitigated disgust for the mango man.

The Qanon Shaman, fresh off a pardon, screeches his continued instability for the world to hear

If you ever looked around and thought to yourself, "Gee, I wish there were more people who make terrible decisions wandering around," Trump has got you covered. Following through on his promise to hand out pardons like candy, Trump doled out 1,500 of them to those convicted of January 6 crimes, and his followers couldn’t be happier. Among the pardoned was none other than the Qanon Shaman, a man famous for painting his face and wearing animal skins on his head while parading shirtless around Capitol Hill. (Somewhere out there, Marjorie Taylor Greene just felt a giddy little shiver run up whatever’s left of her spine.)

Jacob Chansley's extreme case of main character syndrome hasn't taken a hit while behind bars, despite his mournful statements declaring, "Men of honor admit when they’re wrong." Now that he's free, Chansley is using his god-given right to scream on social media incredibly seriously, taking to X to announce his intention to buy some "MOTHA FU*KIN GUNS." Belaying any sense of normalcy, Chansley then jumped right off the deep end, adding, "J6ers are getting released & JUSTICE HAS COME... EVERYTHING done in the dark will come to light!"

Clearly Trump made the best decision when he decided to pardon these well-adjusted members of society — unlike Biden's own pardons made hours before he left office on Monday. In what some people likened to the Titanic's captain dishing out a life raft for his own family while leaving the rest of us to drown, Biden preemptively pardoned his family members for any nonviolent crimes committed during his last year in office. He didn't stop there, however. He pardoned anyone he felt the Trump administration might go after, an expansive list that encompassed members of Congress, Dr. Anthony Fauci, and General Mark Milley.

There's no doubt that Hunter Biden was targeted because of his familial connections, and Biden stated that his pardons were made under "exceptional circumstances" and that he could not "in good conscience do nothing" as retaliation loomed over them.

A reality relic and a rocket junkie turned the election into a tyrants' toy chest

The rumors that Donald Trump was secretly Elon Musk’s first lady were already bordering on the ridiculous, but Trump's latest slip-up suggests their bromance might be even more intimate than we thought. At his self-congratulatory parade on Jan. 19, Trump seemingly confessed that he used his tech voodoo in optimizing vote-counting computers. 

“He knows those computers better than anybody. All those computers. Those vote-counting computers. And we ended up winning Pennsylvania like in a landslide,” Trump said. Of course, in the Pennsylvania polls, the Republican leader came out on top, snagging 50 percent of the vote to Harris’ 48 percent. So, ahem, one might wonder if he inadvertently confessed to a teensy bit of election rigging.

Given all this, it's hardly a shock to see Trump so tightly aligned with Musk. The President’s nose has been so far up Elon's rectum lately, it's a wonder he can still breathe. Elon probably has Trump saved in his phone as "Useful Idiot" while Trump's over here tweeting about how Elon is the real-life Tony Stark. At least the tech oligarch is soaking it up…with an arm twitch no one's nostalgic for.

The ADL’s response to vacuous political vampire Elon Musk’s Nazi salute leaves literally everything to be desired 

When Elon Musk shed all illusion of humanity with that brazen Nazi salute, people everywhere were outraged. Across the globe, furious responses rained down, but they were met with plenty of pushback. “It wasn’t a Nazi salute,” people apparently lacking eyeballs cried. “You’re overreacting.” 

Feeling extremely angry and off-put by a governmental figure — which Musk now is — throwing out a Nazi salute is in no way an overreaction. But while the rest of us were sputtering over Musk’s gall, one organization was severely under-reacting. The same organization expected to be at the forefront of condemning the bigoted billionaire did essentially the opposite. The Anti-Defamation League, which was literally founded to combat antisemitism, put out its response to Musk’s glaring signal of solidarity, and in the process apparently checked its spine at the door.

No, that wasn’t an “awkward gesture,” thank you very much, but thanks for showing us where your loyalties truly lie, ADL. We know a fascist dogwhistle when we see one, and we sure know a full-blown Nazi salute when it’s aired on national television.

Caitlyn Jenner leaves trans people to the wolves as she cozies up to Dirtbag Don

Leave it to a rich old white lady to pull the ladder up behind her. For years, Caitlyn Jenner has whined about the economy being more important than human rights, all while her money has kept her insulated from political nastiness. Unfortunately for one of the world's more prominent trans women — and a trans athlete, nonetheless — her bosom buddy Donald just signed away her right to be called anything other than he/him. Regardless of any law, I'll still call Jenner by her preferred pronouns, a right that approximately 3 million other people will be denied going forward, but thanks to Dump’s actions, she shouldn’t be surprised if others aren’t as compassionate.

In one of hundreds of executive orders, Trump asserts that women's dignity, safety, and well-being all hinge on being the only ones allowed to use the word “woman.” In a master stroke of understanding how women feel, the order declares that now that America recognizes that "women are biologically female, and men are biologically male," they will be much safer.

Yes, women can't make choices about their own health, and several of Trump's cabinet picks think we'd be better off not voting or even having jobs, but at least we'll be safe from words, I guess. Jenner has yet to weigh in on her re-minted status as a “mister,” but the trans anti-activist did congratulate Trump on his inauguration days before the government stripped away her rights.

Donald Trump becomes Madame President with bonkers anti-trans executive order

In a huge win for feminists everywhere, Donald Trump went ahead and eliminated an entire gender from America with a single swoosh of his pen. Sorry, men — it’s a woman’s world now, and your gender no longer exists in it. 

In classic Trump fashion, the language on the “Defending Women from Gender Ideology Extremism and Restoring Biological Truth to the Federal Government” order is extremely un-researched, and thus narrowed gender to certain attributes present at conception. The only thing is, idiots, biological sex isn’t determined at conception. For weeks following conception, all fetuses are female; it isn’t until six or seven weeks in that male fetuses develop and present the Y chromosome that earns them their testes. Which means that Trump’s executive order effectively eliminated all males from America. And you thought your village had an idiot.

Congratulations queens, we finally did it. Now let’s hope 2028 gets here nice and quickly so the third time can be a charm with an actual female president, shall we?