Donald Trump gave his first speech to the American people this week and, as expected, he packed it to the brim with self-congratulations and petty remarks toward the Democrats. It's nearly impossible to keep track of the mind-boggling number of lies and half-truths, but we've done our absolute best to track the bonkers words that came out of the president's mouth.

The week is tainted by Trump and Vance's Friday afternoon verbal beatdown of Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Begrudging Zelenskyy for his frustration with Putin and his unwillingness to lay down for the Russian bully and grovel for peace, Trump displayed perhaps the worst side of him we've seen to date. But what can you expect when Zelenskyy would say anything nice about Trump's BFF Putin?

The only thing stranger than Trump's open crush on Putin is his relatively new and incredibly bizarre obsession with Elon Musk. The tech bro and the septuagenarian are definitely in their honeymoon phase, but if the administration gets its way, they'll never nab that sweet marriage certif. The administration is eyeballing the end of gay marriage, but there's no point protesting in Trump's America.

The president proclaimed his complete disregard for American values by announcing his intent to cut federal funding for colleges that host "illegal protests," whatever that means. His shenanigans aren't making America look any better on the world stage, and combined with his terrible tariffs, we're losing friends left and right. Daily reminder that we have three years and nine more months of this nightmare. At least we have a fun survey for you to take!

National embarrassment Donald Trump may now hold the record for longest sustained lie-fest in history

There’s far too much to say, and your attention span is far too short (admit it) to detail every lie, embarrassing exaggeration, and straight-up mistake Donald Trump made in his excruciatingly long address to Congress this week. His wild speech hit all of the president’s favorite notes, from his attack on the transgender community to the border, tariffs, and Ukraine. He patted himself on the back over a few dozen imagined accomplishments, blasted his Democratic opponents, and overall reveled in the zealous admiration of the frothing GOP.

It may truly be impossible to count all the lies that spouted from those nightmarishly puckered lips, particularly when some of them are so utterly bombastic. The president veered into true lunacy with his threat to acquire Greenland “one way or the other,” but it's his claims about trans mice that really took the cake. Democratic figures, from Bernie Sanders to View co-host Alyssa Farah Griffin, quickly joined the pushback against assertions made across the speech, and they didn’t mince words. While the former was busy delivering a meaningful message about parsing Trump’s carefully-crafted speech, the latter savaged Trump for the “ridiculous and not effective” leader he is. It’s hard to say which message was more needed after that dumpster fire of a speech.

While Zelenskyy advocates for peace, Trump just wants a piece ⏤ of Ukraine's pie

In the early morning hours of Thursday, March 6, Volodymyr Zelenskyy posted on X describing the aftermath of yet another Russian missile strike that hit an ordinary hotel, killing four people and injuring 30 others. One thing people — like Donald “I will end the war in 24 hours” Trump — who needn’t have warfare constantly on the brain seem to ignore is that Russia first invaded Ukraine in 2014, escalating tensions and hostilities to a full-scale war when the larger country invaded again eight years later.

Since 2014 — no, not “2015” Mr. President, even JD had to correct you on that —  Russia has broken ceasefire agreements over two dozen times, and Ukrainians have been suffering unspeakable daily devastation and hardships. But still, how could President Zelenskyy have such “hatred” “for Putin”? Can’t he see that he’s making it “very tough for [Trump] to make a deal with that kind of hate?”

On Saturday, the POTUS and his overly eager side-kick, JD Vance — acting like your mother’s sleazy boyfriend who thinks he can scold you a mere month into the relationship — treated Zelenskyy like a metaphorical piñata for the world to see and recoil in disapproval as two clowns with sticks beat a dying horse. And not just any horse; for the sake of the analogy, think of Spirit the Stallion of the Cimarron, Joey from War Horse, or Ellie Williams’ Shimmer.

While putting up the pretense that he’s a man of “strength,” Trump showed both allies and Russia, whose state media was somehow present, that his administration’s vision aligns far more with Vladimir Putin’s Russia than with any other “free world” country. Even for individuals, like one The Telegraph editor, who fully support the “global conservative counter-revolution,” and believe Trump is “saving America” with his policies “on women’s rights,” “dismantling the woke madness,” and “building a colour-blind meritocracy” — yes, the author is a white dude — they are all the same ramming face-first into the wall of cognitive dissonance that Trump’s “victim-blaming narrative on Ukraine” triggers in their pro-MAGA brains.

Trump’s tariff war is a never ending cycle of one-upping that ensures average Americans lose

In a turn of events that even someone with 20/200 vision could see coming, Trump's bombastic tariff war has already ramped up to absurd levels. Giving credence to those "Russian asset" accusations, he's taking swings at friends and allies — and for some reason, his supporters are happily cheering him on. The man has abandoned Ukraine, jumped in bed with Putin, made the U.K. wary, and actively pissed off Canadians. Canadians.

Slapping tariffs on less-than-amicable international partners like China is marginally understandable, but doing it to one of our country’s longest-standing allies is understandably straining relations. His aggressive stance has prompted Canadians far and wide to dispose of their American spirits (something that might actually tank Kentucky's bourbon market) and inspired them to threaten a shutdown of the electricity provided to the states. Everyday Canadians are rightfully reacting to the tariffs like a slap to the face and they’re more than willing to return the favor by closing their wallets.

China, another country Trump is waging financial war on, has also responded to Trump's posturing. One official took to X to share an ominous warning to Americans that "If war is what the U.S. wants," China is ready to "fight till the end." The country, which has around a billion more citizens than the U.S., pledged to up its defense spending by nearly 8%, proving that everyone but Trump’s doe-eyed supporters are fully aware of this increasingly slippery slope.

Those adoring rural supporters are likely the next unfortunate group of people to be railroaded by Trump's tariff obsession. The president has all but promised them a future of hardship after announcing that he is aiming that gun directly at their livelihoods. In a vaguely worded tweet, he announced what sounds like tariffs on agricultural exports. Things were already going to be tight with 47% of agricultural exports going to Canada, Mexico, and China.

It's not all tariff doom and gloom; the richest man in the world is suffering for Trump's posturing. Well, suffering is a strong word, but Elon Musk's involvement with Trump has seen his wealth drop by more than Bill Gates's entire net worth. The Chinese and European markets are completely over the Nazi-saluting pile of garbage, prompting his fortune to drop by $110.8 billion. Even losing more money than 99% of us will see in out lifetime, Musk still has eye-wateringly deep pockets. Hopefully his Trump association is guaranteed to cost him a few more pennies.

But hey, at least Trump fixed our relationship with Russia, right?

If it walks like a duck and squawks like a duck, it’s probably a Russian asset

Trump’s relentless push to turn some of America's most ardent allies against her has prompted more than a few citizens to wonder where their commander-in-chief's alliance truly lies. He’s spent the last two weeks pausing necessary aid and screeching that Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a "dictator," all while demanding that they sign a deal that will hurt their country for generations and threatening to pull out of NATO.

The talking points seem straight out of Russian state-run media, and concerned Americans aren't the only people starting to fear that 47 has been compromised. Conservative MP and former Foreign Office for the U.K., Minister Graham Stuart sounded the alarm on X. Telling his followers to "consider the possibility" of Trump being a Russian asset, he ominously wrote that, if true, "Trump's acquisition is the crowning achievement of Putin's FSB career."

The MP's comments come just weeks after a former KGB agent insisted that Trump was recruited by the KGB in 1987 and works under the codename Krasanov. The report was deemed “non-credible," but Trump seems intent to further Russian interests by lifting sanctions and snuggling up to Putin — and he isn't the only one.

Former Fox News host and ultimate DEI hire Pete Hegseth is another member of the Trump administration that seems to have ties to Russia. Promoted about 18 billion points above his pay grade to Secretary of Defense, he's spent his first few weeks making decisions befitting of his grossly underqualified status. He recently sent out a letter requesting that thousands of government employees make a bulleted list to explain their jobs, leading workers to rightfully assume the worst.

Federal workers sounded the alarm, pointing to Hegseth's comments about "data being consolidated" as proof that the government was attempting to replace them with AI. With no feasible way to parse what would amount to thousands of emails outside of artificial intelligence, it was an easy jump to make. Worse than being replaced by a half-baked technology, they feared that the farmed data could expose sensitive materials that unelected officials like Musk and his team of tech boys have no business seeing, or that the AI could see trends in the massive data dump that were never meant to be uncovered.

Of course, if you confront Trump with his own rhetoric, he's just as likely to lie and say he "can't believe" he said that Zelenskyy was a dictator or that anyone but Musk is leading DOGE (he’s asserted it’s a woman named Amy Gleason, but it’s very suspicious.) His administration is right there beside him all the way, swearing up and down that "he is focused on peace," even as his actions and words say the exact opposite. Trump says he wants peace, but he’ll only accept it if he can make Papa Putin happy with the deal.

MAGA wants to criminalize dissent, love, and protests — basically everything except assault rifles

After eight years of marriage equality not causing the apocalypse, the rapture, or even the faintest uptick in glitter pollution, Republicans have decided it’s time to dig up Obergefell v. Hodges, the historic Supreme Court ruling that legalized same-sex marriage. Michigan Rep. Josh Schriver thinks gay marriage violates the "sanctity of marriage." Cool. If “sanctity” were actually a priority, half the GOP (and Lauren Boebert) would have been banned from getting married decades ago. 

These are the same people who worship a convicted rapist (yep, Donald Trump), who’s been married three times and cheated on all his wives. Yes, clearly it’s the gays ruining marriage. Make no mistake, the GOP isn’t happy unless someone else is miserable, whether it’s the immigrants they’re convinced are julienning your Pomeranians, the Democrats supposedly sacrificing newborn babies to Nancy Pelosi during brunch, or the trans community they’re accusing of both stealing women’s rights and tricking poor Rudy Giuliani into slipping on size-12 pumps so Trump can bury his face in that pillowy bosom.

The war on marriage equality is just one front in the MAGA mob's relentless crusade against any whiff of progress. Trump himself recently announced that he'll cut federal funding from universities that allow "illegal protests," whatever that means. Funny how Trump is suddenly Mr. "Law and Order" despite pardoning a horde of rabid insurrectionists who bludgeoned Capitol cops with flagpoles on Jan. 6. Cops who, by the way, he now wants to protect with a mandatory death penalty for anyone who kills one.

Trump tells cabinet that if anyone wants to come for his boy Elon, they'll have to go through him

Well, we gave 'em a month, but the unlikely marriage (professionally speaking, that is) between Donald Trump and Elon Musk is somehow still going strong. For some reason, when Ukrainian president Zelenskyy dresses down in the White House, it's offensive, but when Musk does it, it's cute? I guess we all let those little quirks go when we're in the first flush of a new relationship.

In a particularly telling example of just how smitten with Elon he really is — and how much the X owner has the U.S. government eating overpriced eggs out of the palm of his hand — Trump made a supposed joke about Musk during his first cabinet meeting this week. When asking his cabinet members if any of them were "unhappy" with Elon so far, he quickly added, "If you are, well, throw them out of here."

The braying laughter that erupted in response, as elected officials yuk it up while Trump gags about how his unelected new boytoy is more powerful than them, is enough to send you into a state of existential dread. Yes, go ahead, Elon, use that stolen power of yours to get your own company the FAA's contract, no one's going to stop you. At least his association with Trump is hitting Musk where it hurts: he's lost $110 billion (aka the personal wealth of Bill Gates) since November. Still, for richer or for poorer, Trump and Musk seem stuck on each other.