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The great holiday hangover has descended upon us once again, folks. There's nothing left but the fading scent of pumpkin spice and the cold, hard truth that we've devoured our body weight in mashed potatoes... again.

But as Turkey Day retreats, let's look on the bright side — at least we weren't stuck passing the gravy to Matt Gaetz at the family gathering as he entertains us with tales of his latest "adventures" with minors. A moment of silence for Gaetz's sister-in-law, Roxanne Luckey — girl, we're sending you our deepest sympathies.

Fortunately, Gaetz has been gated off from polite society. But don't celebrate too soon, as it seems he’s found a sneaky way to barge back into our lives via Cameo. Birthdays, anniversaries, and yes, even your dog's bar mitzvah are now all fair game as he smirks his way onto the personalized video platform to make himself a quick buck. And guess what? Another clown equally unworthy of the cabinet is joining him. You guessed it: Lauren "Bobo" Boebert is now his partner in Cameo misdemeanors, squeezing in shout-outs between grandmotherly duties and her son’s court dates.

At least Boebert pretends to be hustling, which is more than we can say for her compatriot in chaos, Marjorie Taylor Greene. When Marj isn’t busy spinning tales about Jewish space lasers, playing bathroom bouncer, or witnessing Democrats' weather wizardry, she’s occupied with earth-shattering tasks like renaming post offices. Gentle reminder that your tax dollars are fueling these pivotal contributions. As MTG takes on the role of top doggy DOGE, what can we expect? More of the same revolutionary non-achievements, no doubt. We're right there with AOC, shaking our heads and saying, “Enjoy, fellas!” 

Thankfully, as we shuffle past this carnival of kooks, there’s also chatter that Kamala Harris is suiting up for another rumble. As we breathe a sigh of relief over that revelation, let's take a deep breath and review another week filled with idiotic and generally unfathomable rumblings from the biggest idiots in American politics.

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Matt Gaetz’s new gig proves some Americans have zero financial literacy

Matt Gaetz has only been “funemployed” for a few days now, but like any good Republican, the disgraced politician has already found a way to whore himself out to the public. Like his former colleague, sentient turd George Santos, the 40-year-old Gaetz has fled to Cameo, a website where anyone can purchase personalized short videos from celebrities. For just 500 bucks, his adoring fans can hear a few words of whatever the alleged pedophile considers wisdom. What a steal!

As a member of Congress, Gaetz raked in around $174k a year, so he shouldn’t be that strapped for cash, but even Santos admitted to being a whopping $800k in debt when he joined the site. Now that he’s unemployed, perhaps Gaetz is just desperate for a little something to line his pockets. Whatever his reasons, the former senator’s wife, Ginger Gaetz, still has his back. She jumped on social media to celebrate her man’s decision to step back from his nomination, but her attempts to make her rat-faced husband look like James Bond fell just as flat as his career. Gaetz has been one of the loudest MAGA cheerleaders over the last few years, but now that he’s of no more use to Daddy Trump, we can't wait to see how quickly he follows Rudy Giuliani’s short trip to rock bottom.

Sorry, MAGAts: Queen Kamala is not giving up

There's no denying that Kamala Harris ran an absolutely incredible 2024 campaign. She entered the race remarkably late, was a clear underdog from the start, and yet managed to stir up enough energy to inspire over 74 million people to vote for her ⏤ a feat nothing short of superheroic. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to topple dumpy Donald, which means we’re headed fast into another four years of depravity, mismanagement, and constant stress. Fun!

Four years is a long time, but it also goes by in a flash. And the next four years could be capped by our first female president — for real this time — if rumors about Harris’ plans for the future are to be believed. Though we'll have to endure another hellish swath of mindless Trump years before it can come to pass, another Harris ticket might be in our future, meaning there’s a light — however small — at the end of the orange-tinted tunnel.

Malicious madwoman Marjorie joins Trump on his yellow brick road to ruin, but it's not enough to win her a brain

While most Americans work overtime to escape into a different world via the first half of Wicked, Marjorie Taylor Greene is still on a quest to find a working brain. She’s finally been tapped to join the Trump White House (kind of), but even her new “prestigious” position at the head of a non-government entity isn’t enough to grow her a much-needed organ. Even as she brags about her new position alongside Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy — talk about a nightmare blunt rotation — Greene is still determined to see the January 6 insurrectionists pardoned and yammering on about yet another supposedly “stolen” election. What a quality use of time.

To top it off, the brainless banshee is now determined to spread a new lie: that Joe Biden is attempting to start World War III via the Russia/Ukraine war. Providing aid to our allies is warmongering, at least in Greene’s ghastly brain, and she’s officially convinced that Biden is trying to pull a Trump and refuse to hand over power when his term comes to an end. Methinks you’ve got the wrong president, Marj.

$250 for a Cameo from Bobo? Yeah, that's a no-no

Believe it or not, the world's most terrifying Sesame Street puppet Matt Gaetz is not the only Republican reprobate who's decided to sign up for Cameo this week. Lauren "I need to get my eyebrows done yesterday" Boebert has set up her own presence on the site and is offering birthday and holiday messages, "America First pep talks," and "words of wisdom" (no, really) for just $250 a video. Just think — you could get two Bobo Cameos for the price of one Gaetz! WHAT A WORLD!

It's worth pointing out that members of Congress can only earn up to $31,000 from outside income before they get in trouble. I don't know about you, but I’m caught between the desire to see Bobo brought down by the House Ethics Committee or witness her overpriced Cameo business crash and burn with embarrassing swiftness because no one's interested. I dare someone to fork out $250 just to ask her to sing the Beetlejuice song.

Have you heard the name Randy Fine before? No? Well, hopefully you never will again

Watch out, Bobo! Make room, Marjorie! Just when you thought we knew who the most wholly reprehensible troglodytes on Trump's team were, a new addle-brained bozo has come forward to throw his (MAGA) hat into the ring.

Florida senator Randy Fine is making himself known as he works to fill Mike Waltz's vacated seat in Congress following Waltz's nomination for National Security Advisor. You have to hand it to him: Fine has come up with a unique platform for his campaign, namely threatening the lives of two Muslim congresswomen. As his own bid to enter the chamber ramps up, Fine tweeted a warning to both Rashida Tlaib and Ilhan Omar to resign, implying that it wouldn't be safe for them if and when he becomes a member of Congress.

OK, somebody own up — who moved the rock that let this cockroach loose?

Maybe Republicans are so focused on bathrooms because they’re full of crap?

It’s amazing how much time, effort, and vitriol Republicans will put into absolutely nothing-burger problems. Rather than direct their efforts into something meaningful, the group has dedicated itself to harassing the first and only trans lawmaker, Sarah McBride — and she hasn’t even taken office yet. As the missing link between stupid and absolutely moronic, right-wing politicians are making the trans discussions a core virtue of their personalities. The siren’s song of attention is luring more and more limelight-seeking politicians to the backward and bombastic lifestyle.

While multiple sitting members of Congress openly flaunt their hateful and transphobic ideologies on Capitol Hill, Donald Trump is playing both sides of the conversation. The president-elect is more than happy to sit back and watch his lackeys harass and bully McBride and other trans women for simply existing while he rubs elbows with none other than Caitlyn Jenner. Republicans and Democrats alike are furious with the publicity stunt, but we shouldn’t be surprised. As usual, it all comes back to money for the Mango Mussolini. As a rich socialite, Jenner appears to be exempt from that nasty rhetoric. Even the incredibly anti-trans Elon Musk was more than happy to spend time with the former Olympian — though he can’t be bothered to have a relationship with his trans daughter.