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Grab your barf bags, kittens. Donald "I-don't-need-sleep-I-need-attention" Trump has, against all odds (and common sense), managed to con his way back into the White House — and if that wasn't enough of a kick in the teeth, we've got the rest of the clown car following closely behind, honking their novelty horns and spraying seltzer water in the faces of anyone who dares stand in their way.

Seriously, though, how the hell did we end up here? Did someone slip something into our collective water supply? It makes one wonder if RFK Jr.'s diatribes about water chemicals turning the frogs — and presumably our better judgment — gay might not be so far-fetched after all. There's a hint of truth in the madness, or maybe it's just the same brand of lunacy that has Trump's galaxy-brain cronies outright denying the existence of “germs.” 

The same science that baffles these political savants is desperately needed to explain how these relics of reason keep getting recycled into power. However, this week, the dumpster fires pretending to be public servants are flaring up with a vengeance, searing any remaining hopes of sanity.

The last person anyone expects calls for an un-Republican response to the election results

The election is officially in the rear-view, and as Democrats continue to reel from the brazen stupidity displayed by our countrymen, those same countrymen are reveling in an unprecedented victory. Donald Trump is a man who doesn’t understand how time zones work, who is so self-obsessed that he’s more than willing to irritate or offend a foreign leader with a middle of the night phone call, and now he’s in charge for four more years. I’m already exhausted.

That exhaustion is being felt across the country, and it’s weirdly offset (or maybe amplified, depending on your take) by a truly unexpected figure calling for unity. Kid Rock — the same man who once threatened to body slam Democrats — now wants the country to “come together” under our incoming president, but unity is no longer an option.

The party of ‘your body, our choice’ already has plans to further dictate our bodies and decisions

Within hours of Trump’s Nov. 5 victory, toxicity was spreading like COVID did during his shameful first term. The wilfully ignorant masses who rode Trump’s coattails to reelection are absolutely giddy in the wake of his victory, and they’re already making plans to further rob Americans of their rights. Marjorie Taylor Greene, Georgia’s most embarrassing decision, is already making plans that will lead to the loss of young trans lives, and the Cheeto man isn’t even in office yet. 

The heartless harpy even found a single moment of clarity between reacting to the elevation of two sex traffickers into vital government positions. The scarecrow of the Republican party came so close to earning a brain when she noted the genuine devastation felt by Trump’s detractors, but then quickly reestablished her empty-headed positions when she blamed the whole thing on the media. So close, yet so far. 

Old men from across the globe come together to rip another old man a new one 

From America itself to our neighbors abroad, very few people are pleased about Donald Trump’s victory, and they’re not being shy about their reactions. In the immediate wake of the election, an absolute hero of the Scottish Parliament dressed down First Minister John Swinney, brazenly blasting him for supporting a “​​misogynist, a climate denier, a fraudster, a conspiracy monger, a racist [and] a far-right politician, who tried to overturn an election result both covertly and by inciting violence.”

As those words were still echoing in American minds, another outspoken old man joined in, this time from down under. An elderly Australian man provided his take on the felon-in-chief’s re-election, delivering a delightfully colorful breakdown of exactly why so many Americans look toward the future with fear — a sentiment apparently shared by actress Jamie Lee Curtis, who promptly ditched Twitter upon learning that its new overlord secured a position in the Trump administration.

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A petulant politician reminds us of what a Trump loss would have looked like 

Donald Trump won the 2024 election, but make no mistake — had he lost, we’d be mired in accusations of a “stolen election” and “voter fraud,” and we may well have faced another attempted insurrection. Thanks to the actual adults situated on the left side of the political aisle, we’re not currently facing any of that pushback, but one Republican politician was kind enough to remind us of exactly the petulant response we would have gotten. Wisconsin Senate candidate Eric Hovde, in true Trump style, is refusing to accept his loss in the 2024 election, instead insisting that “inconsistencies” are the culprit behind his loss. His refusal to concede is a new textbook Republican tactic and a stark reminder of how dangerous U.S. politics have become. 

Melania Trump snubs Jill Biden, but Jimmy Kimmel thinks she has a good reason

The Trumps have a reputation for flaunting tradition in favor of their own whims, and even Melania engages in the practice. As she works overtime to avoid her presidential partner and quietly weeps over being forced to work again, however mildly, for four more years, she’s also loudly rejecting an invitation from Jill Biden to meet ahead of the official transition.

It’s become a tradition of sorts among incoming First Families, but Melania has never stooped to the standards of us mere mortals, and Jimmy Kimmel has a good guess as to why. Noting the clear lack of love shared between Trump and his wife, the comedian joked that Melania will be found “where [Trump] isn’t” over the next four years, and since he was visiting the White House on the same day to meet with Joe Biden, she gave the invite a pass. If only the rest of us could get him out of our lives whenever we want.