It's been a busy February for President Elon Musk. The billionaire tech mogul gave his first speech from behind the Resolute Desk this week and brought his son, X Æ A-Xii, along to add a little green to the rich mahogany. While his son was busy wiping snot on a symbol of American authority, Musk rambled on about his plans to dismantle democracy, bashing the judicial system and leaving many Americans convinced that they were watching some twisted Candid Camera reboot.

While Musk tested heart pressure monitors across the country, Trump dissociated, no doubt pondering his ambitious plans for Greenland. The actual president has been insistent that the territory of Denmark become a part of the U.S. of A. despite its population and motherland repeatedly telling him “no thanks.” But can we really be surprised that a man convicted of sexual assault doesn't understand the meaning of the word "no?" Much like his determination to rename the Gulf of Mexico the “Gulf of America,” Trump has come up with an equally unnecessary name change for the small island — a name so stupid, even SNL won’t be able to top it.

Meanwhile, Representative Robert Garcia is one Democrat who is sick of Musk and his less-than-stellar ideas. The Californian made a big name for himself this week by calling a spade a spade and adding a little trash talk to an otherwise boring congressional hearing. Not unlike a certain Avenger known for standing up for what's right, he took a swing at Marjorie Taylor Greene, and we're pretty sure it helped nab him a spot in the next Comedy Central Roast.

And then there's Vice President JD Vance, who has been incredibly quiet since blowing out his back to please anyone who can further his career. The self-proclaimed hillbilly has been busy wasting his time on social media, defending virulent racists and allowing them to view millions of Americans' personal data. But even abandoning his scruples hasn't made Trump like him more. The president actually let slip on live television just how little he views Vance as a partner, and we can't help but wonder if, like all of us, Vance is already ready to get off this carousel from hell.

The world didn’t need saving, but Elon staged a coup anyway

Elon Musk doesn’t walk into rooms — in recent months, he's been bounding in like an overzealous golden retriever (though not the kind you necessarily want to pet). Whether he's rejoicing about effectively being a shadow president or just happy to have his hands on everyone's bank account and social security information, there's no denying that the man has been living his best life lately. On February 11, Musk made his shadow presidency official by addressing the nation from behind the Oval Office’s Resolute Desk while Trump sat silently off to the side.

Musk isn’t just playing puppet master in America, by the way; that would be too small-time for the man who literally wants to colonize other planets. The billionaire is busy organizing a global far-right network and openly supporting Germany’s AfD, a far-right party with Neo-Nazi ties. "There's too much of a focus on past guilt and we need to move beyond that," he said while addressing 4,000 attendees in the German city of Halle.

Given that Musk controls one of the most powerful social media platforms in the world, terrifying doesn’t even begin to cover the reactions many Americans are having. He’s using X as his own personal megaphone for conspiracy theories, hate speech, and half-baked ideas that are far more dangerous than his son's wandering finger. What’s the endgame here? World domination? A dictatorship of tech bros? A dystopia where we all have to pay $8 a month just to exist? On second thought, don't tell me. But make sure that kid washes his hands, Elon. For the love of God, wash that kid’s hands.

Donald declines to endorse Vance as his successor, and we all know why

We've all worked under a boss we haven’t exactly vibed with, haven't we? Or known a mean girl who forced us to stop trying to make "fetch" happen? Well, as it turns out, JD Vance might take the cake in that department. His journey to VP has largely consisted of backpedaling on previous convictions, swallowing his pride, and making mixed-race couples uncomfortable with his consistent pardoning of racism. Even President Trump isn't pulling any punches where his Veep is concerned — not that he showed much love to his last one, Mike Pence. This week, 47 brutally smacked down any misconceptions that he might actually care about Vance during an interview with Fox News's Bret Baier ⏤ and it wasn't pretty.

When asked if the president might support a Vance presidency in 2028, Trump was locked and loaded with a resounding "no," but never fear ⏤ he thinks Vance is "very capable." His reaction isn't totally surprising, considering that Vance has surrendered the position in everything but name to Elon Musk. He's fallen so far from Trump's grace that rumor has it earthworms are craning to see him down there. Like Brian Cox's Logan Roy, Trump has shown no interest in naming an immediate successor, nor does he seem to have plans to surrender his seat in the first place. If anyone takes ol' Donny's place, you can bet their last name starts with T and ends with rump, and that's only if he actually follows the law and steps down in four years. (Given this his current relationship with the judicial system borders on neglect, I think we can form a sturdy hypothesis.)

Despite the verbal backhand, Vance recently took to X to defend 25-year-old Marko Elez, who lost his job at DOGE over tweets from earlier this year after claiming he wanted to "normalize Indian hate." Vance is married to an Indian woman and is the father of two half-Indian boys, yet he still defended "Big Balls," as Elon Musk refers to him, saying, "Stupid social media activity shouldn't ruin a kid's life." Okay, but when it was literal teenagers like David Hogg or Greta Thunberg, cancel culture was all the rage and completely acceptable? Got it. It just goes to show that in MAGA Land, trying to make a positive difference that actually benefits all people (Democrats included) is a cardinal sin, but being "a racist before it was cool" is A-OK. Make sense?

Big talker Trump got benched by Musk and didn’t even whimper

On February 11, Elon Musk, a man with no official political mandate, gave what we’ll generously call a “speech” from one of the most sacred symbols of American power. Over the course of nearly 10 minutes, he delivered what can only be described as a “ramble,” talking about DOGE, vague corruption conspiracies, and the judicial branch — you know, the only part of government he and Trump don’t seem to control yet.

Why was Musk even allowed to speak from the Resolute Desk? It’s the desk. It’s where Kennedy handled the Cuban Missile Crisis and where countless other presidents made history. Now it’s where Musk, a man whose biggest contribution to society is overpriced electric cars, got to cosplay as Commander-in-Chief. Peep that photo above. He’s as giddy as a kid meeting Mickey.

Musk wasn’t alone, of course. He brought his own kid, four-year-old X Æ A-Xii, to the White House with him. And look, I’m all for parents spending time with their kids, but maybe it’s a good idea to leave the toddler at home when you’re going to dismantle democracy in front of the world’s press? Grimes, X Æ A-Xii’s mom, wasn’t even told about this White House playdate; she found out through social media, which is a sentence I never thought I’d write about parenting, politics, and the dystopian billionaire class all at once.

Grimes has already accused Musk of using his power to keep her from their children, and now he’s parading their son in front of the world like a human PR shield. Honestly, at this point, the most relatable thing about Grimes is probably how much she regrets ever saying “yes” to dinner with this guy. And speaking of yes, it really is true: X Æ A-Xii picked his nose and wiped his findings across America’s most sacred desk. I suppose it’s time to acknowledge that when there are that many children alone in a room together, one of them is bound to get a bit snotty. One can only hope he picked a winner.

DJT's proposed rename of Greenland has confirmed exactly where this handbasket is headed

In between the frenzied issuing of executive orders and cow-towing to his biggest billionaire backer, Donald Trump has been strangely fixated on Greenland recently. He’s also got his sights set on Canada, which he’s dead-set on annexing, but it’s the proposed rename for Denmark’s province that has confirmed DJT is a few Froot Loops short of a full and fabulous bowl.

The pine cone of a politician decided, after nearly 79 years on this Earth, that the best possible rename for Greenland is — get this — no, really, are you sitting down? — Red, White, and Blueland. Yes, you read that correctly, and no, I am not making this up. Red. White. And Blueland. All that patriotism must be cutting off Trump’s oxygen supply, because I’m fairly certain a malnourished narwhal could come up with a better name than that. In case you don’t believe me, here’s the actual Congressional bill submitted by Republican Representative Earl Carter confirming Trump’s disturbing lack of creativity.

On the bright side, Denmark is already clapping back at his unfathomable antics. The country put out a petition that’s already gained nearly a quarter-million signatures supporting the idea of Denmark purchasing California from America. It's clearly just a jab at Trump entering his attempted conquerer era, but don’t tell that to the overjoyed Golden State citizens.

Rep. Robert Garcia massacres both Marjorie Taylor Greene and Elon Musk with one jab in savage takedown

In Marvel's new Captain America movie, out in cinemas this week, the superhero finds himself face-to-face with a corrupt POTUS. Sadly, here in our much less brave new world, we don't have a real-life Captain America — and yet Rep. Robert Garcia gave one ballsy audition for the role when he used his five minutes at the microphone to roast both Marjorie Taylor Greene and Elon Musk to a crisp.

During the congressional oversight committee hearing in question, Garcia called out Greene for hypocritically criticizing someone for leaving, and reminded everyone of the time MTG displayed nude photos of Hunter Biden for the whole room to see during a similar meeting in 2023 (yes, that really happened — though I don’t blame you if you've scrubbed it from your memory). "In the last Congress, Chairwoman Greene literally showed a d*** pic in our oversight congressional hearing," Garcia said. "So I thought I'd bring one as well." An aide then brought out a comically oversized image of none other than Elon Musk — "President Elon Musk," as Garcia dubbed him.

Garcia — who once made history when he became the youngest and first Latino and LGBTQ mayor of Long Beach in 2014 — is being hailed in some quarters for his near-Jasmine Crockett-level incineration of Greene. Of course, he’s also been chastised for his actions by others. Heroically, though, Garcia isn't backing down. When grilled by CNN over whether he thought it was appropriate to call Musk out the way he did, and in such a professional setting, Garcia simply replied: "Well, he is a d***."

See, kittens? Not all heroes wear capes.