Speedballs at SpaceX. Anti-trans bathroom battles. Rudy Giuliani sticking his entire foot in his mouth. Is this the latest reality TV train wreck? Nope, it’s just us recapping the utterly bonkers political shenanigans this week blasted right out of its pooper.

That’s right, kittens: Marjorie Taylor Greene, our own Capitol Hill bloodhound, has been patrolling bathroom doors like the hall monitor from hell while Donald Trump's dream Attorney General, Matt Gaetz, said "no thanks" seconds after more sexual assault claims came out against him. (Not unlike that guy everyone wants to smack, Gaetz might want to consider witness protection at this point.) Meanwhile, as the GOP paraded its latest bigotry couture, Don Jr. seemed to be riding the white lightning over at Elon's rocket pad, allegedly mistaking rocket fuel fumes for some high-grade sweet Colombian nose candy. This guy wasn't just dropped as a baby ⏤ he was taken out back and thrown.

The launches keep on coming, folks — some drifting off into la-la land, others just practically tripping out. So yeah, grab your popcorn — or maybe, just to be safe, your barf bag. It's going to be a bumpy ride.

Matt Gaetz peaces out as Marjorie Taylor Greene threatens to oust Capitol Hill pedophiles

Even though Donald Trump has only nominated a fraction of the grossly unqualified people he wants in his cabinet, we’re already ready to get the hell off of this roller coaster. In a matter of weeks, he’s tapped more criminally unfit grifters than a round of Duck Duck Goose in the big house. The 78-year-old singled out child predator Matt Gaetz as his Attorney General, and the potential appointment left Lady Justice – and anyone with a brain – in tears.

Justice delayed is justice denied, and with that undeserved promotion, Gaetz was ostensibly set free from the charges. His bootlicking buddy Marjorie Taylor Greene had his back per usual, and threatened to release ethics reports for all House members should they try to unearth Gaetz’s skin-crawling history. For someone who screams about the welfare of children 24/7, presenting the unceremonious sacking of pedophilic scumbags as somehow bad is a bold move. It left us longing for the good ol’ days when hiring undocumented workers was enough to stamp out a government career for good.

In a rare moment of Republican clarity, Gaetz actually considered the consequences of accepting a position 1000% above his pay grade and the scrutiny that might follow. Within a week of his nomination, he passed on his chance to undermine democracy (more on that in a bit) and now we just need Dr. Oz to follow suit and spare us up to four years of facepalming.

Marjorie Taylor Greene, Mike Johnson, and Nancy Mace compete for the GOP’s transphobia crown

Marjorie Taylor Greene often seems like the most hateful person in Congress, just barely a step removed from the truly monstrous man set to seize the White House in a few short months. She’s officially facing fierce competition for her bigotry badge, however, now that Nancy Mace and Speaker of the House Mike Johnson have hopped on board the transphobia train.

With news that Sarah McBride — America’s first-ever transgender congressperson — is set to join them on Capitol Hill in just a few months, each of the loathsome liars jumped into action, setting their bullying sights on their incoming co-worker. Mace immediately proposed a bigoted bill that would block McBride from using the bathroom of her choice. Johnson threw his support behind it and Marj had a full-blown unhinged meltdown, first proposing segregated bathrooms — go back to the 1950s, you hobgoblin — and soon after crying “assault.” All over where a woman relieves herself. Make it make sense. Someone. Anyone.

Don Jr. dips into the devil’s dandruff during dunderhead Musk’s SpaceX launch

Look, we can’t prove that Donald Trump Jr. did cocaine at Elon Musk’s recent SpaceX launch, but there are few explanations outside of a good Forrest Bump for his behavior on the day. Video captured the eldest Trump son rubbing his gums mid-way through the two-hour event, in an act of drug use so obvious there was almost no argument against it. Sure, a few MAGAs showed up to claim it was nicotine or something similarly innocuous, but we know a spicy powder aficionado when we see one.

An act like this does make one wonder how many other mistakes clowns like Don Jr. make on a regular basis. How many times, for example, do they drop their phones, cracking their screens and possibly even their cases? In the event that they have, in fact, recently ruined said cases, they can thank their lucky stars that Casetify is having a Last Chance sale to help them save boatloads. $92 for a phone case? Honey. I personally think Don Jr. would love this case with snakes on it, and it’s currently available for $38 $24. Now that’s helpful — and Don clearly needs all the help he can get.

Gormless gremlin Rudy Giuliani says ‘today I feel like repeating the same lies that already cost me $150 million.’ Smart.

Haven't heard about Rudy Giuliani for a while? Don't worry, he's determined to fix that by doing something even stupider than that time he agreed to be in Borat 2. The former Mayor of New York and Guy Who Held a Press Conference in Front of a Garage proved why it's good thing that he's been disbarred from practicing law. This week, Giuliani took to a livestream to repeat prior slanderous statements about two Georgian election workers he accused of rigging ballots in the 2020 election. Intelligence at its finest, folks.

“I’m sorry they’re going to sue me again for saying it, but what am I going to do but tell the truth,” he declared. Oh, you think, Rudes? The last time he made such claims, the two women took Giuliani to court and successfully sued him for defamation, winning $150 million. They likely have even more dollar signs in their eyes right about now, as their attorney has offered the following sass-monster of a statement in response to Giuliani's injudicious jaw-flappery: “Given all that has transpired since then, one might have thought that Mr. Giuliani would have stopped, and moved on to other pursuits during his ample time online.” Alas, dear reader. Alas.

Loony Linda McMahon carves her name into the DOE’s tombstone

If a man under criminal investigation being placed in charge of the Justice Department wasn’t enough to sate that thirst for a dystopian future, look no further than Trump’s nominee for the Department of Education. Billionaire WWE co-founder Linda McMahon definitely exudes “let them eat cake” energy, and even if she wasn’t directly implicated in her hubby’s sex trafficking scandal, it's strange how many nominees are rubbing shoulders with pedophiles.

The McMahons have been Trump loyalists for years, and in Trump land, that’s the only qualification needed — no teaching experience necessary. No, it’s not some elaborate hoax: the wrestling mogul is one of the “very best” people Trump has been touting. Perhaps her lack of qualifications is exactly what the DOE needs now that Trump can fulfill his promise to smash the bureau to smithereens. But hey, once they gut the education standards, maybe people will think wrestling is legit again!

If you're wondering why Matt Gaetz just ran for the hills, wonder no more

Ding dong, the Gaetz is gone! Yes, at least one (silver) bullet has been dodged, as human-werewolf hybrid Matt Gaetz has indeed dipped out of his Attorney General nomination and fled from Congress with his forked devil tail between his legs. It didn't take long for us to realize why the Floridan firebrand had made the surprising move: moments before he pulled the plug on his bid for more power, Gaetz found himself facing a damning second accusation of sex with a 17-year-old. Say it with me: yikes!

In order to spare all his dirty dealings from coming out via the House Ethic Committee's report, Gaetz had to give up his AG dreams. But, wouldn't you know it, his secrets have all come out, anyway — including the fact that he Venmo'd a total of $10,000 to different women over the years in exchange for affection. Hey, at least George Santos is still on his side! Actually, a fraudulent dingus like Santos coming to his defense might've been the moment Gaetz knew he had to yeet it on outta there.

Donald Trump is not even in office yet, friends, and already his house of cards is falling faster than you can say “Kevin Spacey.” Let us hope this is not the tip of the iceberg, but rather the very one his ship slams into so it can quickly sink and America can get a jump on rebuilding what he’s already started to scorch with his abysmal cabinet pics and unceasing antics.