As we inch through this holiday season, I find myself longing for a Christmas miracle. Like a brain for Marjorie Taylor Greene, or a heart for Donald Trump. Heck, I'd even settle for a modicum of self-awareness for Elon Musk.

In the modern age, even with information at our fingertips, it's all but impossible to expect our elected representatives to educate themselves on the things they rail against every day. Like a kid on the cusp of young adulthood debating the existence of Santa Claus, MTG just can't quite decide if she does or does not still believe in "Jewish space lasers," or whether Democrats can control the weather. The Georgian is positive, however, that vaccines cause autism ⏤ something that has been debunked multiple times, unbeknownst to her. I'm amazed she's found time to show up in the House with all the recent drone sightings and can practically smell the burning rubber from here as she tries to make sense of the mysterious sightings across the globe.

Meanwhile, Nancy Mace has landed herself in hot water after seemingly fabricating an assault. Fun! The representative truly deserves Emmy consideration — or maybe a Razzie — for her performance, but she's still outshone by the acting skills of Matt Gaetz, who recently took to social media to plead his innocence ahead of information regarding his grody child sex trafficking charges being publicly released. His panicked ramblings are just wild enough to convince everyone that his career is about to be over.

That's more than we can say for president-elect Donald Trump. Despite 34 felony charges, the man is well on his way to the White House — but it looks like he doesn't have immunity for all those misdeeds after all. This joy-injecting news comes on the tail of rumors that Trump's historical knowledge is just as shoddy as his education on tariffs after an image of an Italian translator reacting to wild claims from the president-elect went viral. The rumor's traction really tells you where much of the country lands when it comes to the orange Julius Caesar.

Trump also finally voiced his opinion on alleged CEO slayer Luigi Mangione, and unsurprisingly the man who made millions on the backs of his underpaid — and sometimes never paid — workers is against revenge-slaying executives. Trump is mirroring every other rich person in the country as he rails against violence, which he's promised to use en masse against the immigrants his administration wants out of this country. In other words: Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Human cowpie Marjorie Taylor Greene doubles down on vaccine autism claims for the 367,000th time

It seems there’s no lesson Marjorie Taylor Greene is unwilling to ignore ⏤ something she’s demonstrated a truly infuriating number of times over the years. If a talking point works for her, she’s sticking with it, no matter how blatantly false or laughably disproven it might be. Take her unceasing claims about vaccines causing autism. Scientists have found exactly zero link between autism and vaccines, but there’s a portion of the nation that refuses to believe that, and Marjorie “democrats choose when it rains” Greene doesn’t believe in silly little things like science. 

She’s far more interested in prattling on about vapor trails and accusing every single Democrat of being a pedophile, a word she apparently never learned the definition of. Oh, and she's also been spending an inordinate amount of time railing against drones, all while threatening to unleash that gun-toting gall on the skies above our cities. You're on the naughty list, Marj, so be expecting hella coal as per usual.

Nitwit Nancy Mace ramps up the victim mentality with claims of assault

Republican Nancy Mace is so desperate to make a name for herself that the South Carolinian is even willing to risk destroying her career. Unfortunately for the rest of the country, her GOP pals would never let that happen. Since November, the hate-filled rep has made it her mission to harass any trans woman she comes across in the name of "protecting women," even if it means making up a reason to demonize one of her constituents.

It all started with the appointment of Sarah McBride, the first openly trans woman elected to Congress. Mace made sure McBride wouldn't be allowed to use any women's restroom on Capitol Hill, a transphobic decision seconded by Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, and one that McBride gracefully accepted. It makes you wonder how much attention she pays to others in the bathroom and why she's so scared of people turning that prying gaze back on her.

If it wasn't enough to openly discriminate against a colleague due to their identity — something that most everyday Americans would be fired for — Mace soon doubled down on her BS. She shared a "tragic" story about getting "physically accosted" by a "pro-tr*ns man" (yes, she did censor her own words, because that's how X works) to the point of requiring a wrist brace and ice for "swelling in her arm." Witnesses to the event immediately rushed to the accused's defense, saying that it was simply a handshake. Best of all, the dimwitted Republican forgot to switch off her burner account while she drummed up support on X by sharing pictures of herself in a full arm sling. Remind me, who has that "victim mentality" again?

Hobgoblin Matt Gaetz gets even more troubled as his ethics report eyes public release

Mace isn't the only Republican struggling with actions that will define their legacy. After months of watching Democrats and Republicans play the worst game of will-they-won't-they ever, a secretive vote — one made across party lines — will finally force the investigation into Matt Gaetz's potential sex trafficking crimes to be made public.

The soon-to-be anchor of One America News, a pro-Trump "news network" that makes Fox News look sympathetic toward the Left, took to X to rant against the release, but his tantrum backfired. The frenetic posts looked less like the poise of a man about to be exonerated and more like a desperate attempt to draw eyes to anything but the potentially damning investigation.

Several hours after his first very public breakdown, Gaetz returned to the site to threaten his former coworkers, claiming that he would vote to release information around every hush money payout the government had ever shelled out for members of Congress. It's the definition of threatening We the People with a good time. Personally, I'd love to see every single line of those payouts — and subsequently the backside of every representative listed as they're shown the door.

Downtrodden and deplorable Donny loses out on his shot at immunity 

With his election win, many people assumed that Donald Trump’s legal woes were at an end. The ruling regarding presidential immunity seemed to give him a free pass to do just about anything, and Trump’s many crimes soon threatened to bleed into irrelevance.
But then Judge Juan Merchan swooped in like the legal Legolas he is, set on saving Middle America from the scourge of our own Dark Lord in the making.

Merchan delivered an effortless slapdown to the increasingly cocky Trump, ruling that the president-elect has no immunity in his hush money case. Merchan dubbed Trump’s attempts to cover up his salacious history an “unofficial act,” and in the process became the hero of this cursed year. It won’t stop Trump from railing on about drones in his typically illiterate way, of course, but at least there’s a light at the end of the orange-smeared tunnel.

Forget Shark Week — we're living in Trump Whopper Week 24/7

Old Donny Doomsday seems to think he's the fairest of them all in the land of "I-can-say-whatever-I-want-and-you'll-believe-it." Just the other day, he tried convincing us that Canada is positively drooling at the chance to become the 51st state. They're not interested, Donny boy. Not even a little bit.

It's as if Trump is on a global scavenger hunt and every country is a rare Pikachu to be snagged. Perhaps in that spirit, Trump could be heard claiming that the U.S. and Italy have been besties since the days of ancient Rome in a resurfaced clip. Never mind that America wasn't even on the map when Caesar was running Rome — Columbus wouldn’t sail the ocean blue for another 1,500 years! Too bad our dear leader seems to have skipped that history lesson in favor of perfecting his putt. Back to school, Dump!

It's not like the Trumpinator hasn't spun some whoppers before. According to the man himself, he's got 18 golf championships under his belt (watch out, Jack Nicklaus and Tiger Woods). Trump also totes himself as a brainiac because…um, get this: his uncle once taught at MIT. Oh, and we can’t overlook his occasional very bizarre musings about being stuck on a malfunctioning electric boat in shark-infested waters. Trump’s choice? He prefers being electrocuted over becoming shark bait. Honestly, either scenario has its... let's say, “appeal.”

“How people can like this guy…that’s a sickness," says Donald Trump — and, no, he's not talking about himself

Shocking news: Donald Trump does not like the man best known for killing a fellow business mogul. Luigi Mangione has basically become the Mockingjay of the "eat the rich" movement ever since his alleged assassination of UnitedHealthcare CEO Brian Thompson. His crime has stirred up all kinds of anti uber-rich sentiments, so it's no surprise that Trump seems deeply concerned by all the Luigi love.

When asked for his thoughts on Mangione's actions, Trump immediately pivoted to denouncing anyone showing support for the oft-called "hot assassin." Talking over the tail-end of the interviewer's question, he butted in, "I think it's terrible that some people seem to admire him, like him... How people can like this guy... That's a sickness, actually." Idolizing a convicted felon and predator who bullies foreign leaders as easily as he soils his pants, however? Totally fine, apparently.

I see what you mean, Donny. It's crazy that an actual criminal, who happens to come from a well-connected and wealthy background, can win over so many people despite brazenly admitting to the morally wrong things they've done. Wait, who are we talking about again? Pot, meet kettle — although you might want to watch out for the scalding steam of social unrest that kettle is generating. Happy Holidays!