This week marked a historic moment in American politics. The 2024 election has officially come and gone, and it saw the United States welcome its first-ever female president.

Oh wait, no we didn’t. We elected a 78-year-old dementia-ridden felon back into office, fixating ourselves in a horrific quagmire for another four years of hell. Fear has overtaken the blossoming hope many Americans were starting to feel as we now look ahead to another agonizing stretch of the worst, most incompetent politicians this country has ever seen.

These absolute nincompoops share three brain cells between the lot of them, yet they'll be making policy decisions for the next two years, minimum. They'll continue to strip our education system, rob us of our rights, and destroy the pillars this nation was built on, all while lobbing petty, childish insults and insane conspiracy theories around like snowballs.

America is torn between agony and rage, reeling from the revelation that our own countrymen feel our existence should be policed. We are heartbroken, angry, and well aware that a fight looms. The soul of our country, and the lives of its citizens, are on the line, and the next four years will test our resolve.

Before the election was ever decided, JD Vance and Trump were showing us exactly who they are as they employed petulant, juvenile tactics (and language) and watched as a slew of celebrities turned their backs on the toxic campaign. It wasn't enough to get Kamala Harris elected, but it was enough to inspire the people of this nation to fight with whatever tools they have to keep our country free from hate. Here's the latest batch of BS from this unfathomable clown show.

JD Vance goes from crying to campaigning with the same tactics as 'hateful' Kamala Harris

Just days after joining the MAGA masses in a meltdown of truly toddler proportions, JD Vance engaged in the exact same tactics he was previously so adamantly against. In yet another tired repeat of 2016, Trump’s supporters were horrified by comments from current President Joe Biden when he seemingly referred to them as “garbage.” The party of “Let’s go Brandon” was instantly in its poor little name-calling feelings over the jab, but somehow that same criticism didn’t reach Vance when he used almost the exact same language to describe Kamala Harris mere days later. Taking a page out of Daddy Derision’s book, Vance blasted Harris as “trash” in a pre-election appearance, re-establishing that when it comes to the sleazy scum Trump surrounds himself with, there’s no bar too low. 

Even more major names rushed in ahead of the big vote to dish the deets on Donny dearest 

Kamala Harris already boasted broad support from some of America’s biggest celebrities in the weeks leading up to the election, but as the big day came crashing in, even more joined in to make their voices heard. The wizened words of George Takei and Dick Van Dyke carry immense weight, but it's the harsh words of people like Mickey Rourke — whose vitriol once earned him a visit from the Secret Service — and Badgirl RiRi that are really landing in the wake of the contentious election. Hell, even God (the X account, not the deity) chimed in to blast Trump as a “tiresome, unstable, vicious, whiny, X-rated, yapping zero.”

And yet, in a sobering glimpse of the brainwashed lunacy (or is it just misogyny, racism, and homophobia?) running rampant across the Divided States, somehow the majority of Americans thought you-know-who deserved a second shot at power. Many a Democrat are already counting down the days until these "useful idiots" realize what they've done, but until then, predatory men might want to get nice and comfortable not getting any for the next four years.

Bette Midler’s barf bag bursts watching a toupee tyrant tongue-tickle a talk box

For what feels like an eternity, on-screen sorceress Bette Midler has been an unrelenting thorn in Trump's side, sounding the alarm about the impending doom of a second term for the man who wants to gleefully annihilate the Department of Education while maniacally ranting about "THE BOARDER!!!!" Err...wait...BORDER. Yep, the "like, really smart" wordsmith can't even spell "border" correctly. Now, Bette's got a whole new reason to retch in disgust.

At a rally in Milwaukee, Trump got freaky with a mic stand, practically making sweet, sweet love to it in front of his devotees while they watched in awe (or was it arousal?). With his tiny hands gripping it intently, he stroked it back and forth before simulating a very public deepthroat. Alas, it appears Trump's putrid breath (a heady bouquet of half-digested Big Macs, Adderall, and Putin's cologne, no doubt) did nothing to help the limp microphone stand as erect as he wanted it to. One can’t help but notice how quickly and naturally this impulse came to Trump — though perhaps it’s not all that surprising given his fondness for Diddy.

Of course, Midler wasted no time firing off a hot take. "I saw Trump simulating a blow job on his microphone yesterday! UGH!" she wrote. But is anyone surprised? This is the same man who fantasizes about Arnold Palmer's "unbelievable" penis (his words, not ours), attempts to slobber on unsuspecting toddlers, and merrily motorboats Rudy Giuliani (again, his actions). Even his own nephew is desperately trying to escape the orbit of this unhinged Oompa Loompa. If only his father had used a condom.

Prophetic plus-size pygmy picks puffed-up predator, proving she's a pudgy partisan

It appears that our beloved little Moo Deng, the pygmy hippopotamus from Thailand, had a crystal ball hidden in that plump body all along. When presented with two watermelon cakes in her cozy enclosure in Chonburi, the chubby cheeks casually trotted up to a watermelon cake emblazoned with the name "Trump" and took a decisive bite. She might’ve been trying to tell us something profound — or maybe she just liked the font. However, others could argue that Moo Deng's choice was a nuanced critique of political landscapes, symbolizing the rise of a “bigger territorial beast” — one who sees no rivals in his marshland and wouldn’t mind building a wall to keep other critters out. And while we are not saying that Trump is a hippopotamus in disguise, have you ever seen them in the same room together? Just saying. 

RFK Jr.'s brain is rotted by conspiracy crud as he proclaims fluoride to be ‘Satan's spunk’

Speaking of the political jungle, Moo Deng and Hippo Trump better watch their backs! From allegedly munching on man's best friend — which, frankly, makes Kristi Noem's puppy-slaying antics seem tame — to playing Dexter with dead whales, RFK Jr. seems to harbor some rather dark, shall we say, "fauna-phobic" tendencies. But apparently, terrestrial and marine misdemeanors aren't sinister enough for the latest apprentice.

While Trump claims schools are waving magic wands turning kids transgender, RFK Jr. has taken things a step further by declaring that it's actually the sinister chemicals skulking in our water supply. His latest arch-nemesis? Fluoride. In a recent X post, Kennedy revealed his grand plan to "remove fluoride from public water" on day one of the Trump administration. He then proceeded to rattle off a laundry list of supposed health woes, blithely disregarding the fact that fluoride has been a safe addition to the United States water supply for decades. Fluoride, unlike the mythical monsters in Kennedy's head, actually does what it's supposed to do — protect teeth. The CDC hails it as one of the 10 great public health achievements of the 20th century. So, let's not gulp down the pseudoscience smoothie from a guy who preaches the gospel of life lessons through bug slaughters.